Hurt and Anger – By Lorraine Sweeting
- To read Part 2 of this story, “Redeeming Lolly”
- To read Part 3 of this story, “God is in control, don’t be afraid”
I am not sure how to start this whole saga, but I do feel that it is time for me to get rid of all the hurt and anger I have held all these years.
I feel that God is telling me it is time to get rid of it all and to be at peace.
Today (Sunday 8 January 2012) in church Cliff (our pastor and my brother) prayed over me saying that he did not know the relevance of what he felt God was saying to him about me, but he got this:
‘When Jesus died on the cross He said ‘’It is finished’’’.
Well, I know the relevance of that statement for me.
So here goes: The first man in my life (my father) who was supposed to protect and nurture me physically and emotionally, hurt me almost every day of my young life. So much so that I felt the only way out would be to marry as soon as possible. (First load of walls being built)
The second man in my life was my lovely grandfather whom I loved and who loved me and protected me as far as he could. But then when I was a teenager, he died and I remember thinking: ‘How dare you go and die and leave me with my father with no respite?’
I know it sounds weird, but I was angry with him and felt let down by him. (As unreasonable as it sounds, more walls being built)
Along came my poor innocent husband. Well, as you can imagine, it was not a good thing from the start, as it was all for the wrong reasons.
I wasn’t married for long when my husband had to go and fight for our country on the border for three to four months at a time. I was young, scared and pregnant at the time. (I was sick during the pregnancy from beginning to end).
Our neighbour, who was an abusive man (I did not know it at the time), groomed me for all those months. He was being nice and was telling me things I wanted/needed to hear etc. etc. and presented me with the offer of a life of bliss with him.
Once my baby was born and things settled down, I gave myself to him thinking it was the correct thing to do because I knew that my marriage was doomed from the day I said ‘I do’.
He got what he wanted and then told me it was done and he made sure that when my husband came home from the army he would hear about what I had done. (More walls being built).
We were married for several years when I met the Lord. My husband did not want to know anything and so it put even more pressure on a very strained marriage, but we managed to hold on for 17 years. When it all ended we had both hurt each other so much that guess what? (I built up even more walls)
I was, and have been, collecting evidence against men all my life. It has become part of my life.
Wow! Then for the first time in my life I found myself on my own with nobody to answer to. I had qualified as a nurse; I was earning good money and had bought my very own place. I had it made, or so I thought.
I rebelled against all forms of authority in my life and turned to drink and men.
I had an affair with a married man. Believe it or not, even that allowed me to collect evidence against men. NOT THAT I WAS AT ALL GUILTY, hmm, but I did not see that when I was building all these walls. (More walls built)
During my time as an A+E nurse I never saw or treated a patient who had not been injured by a woman unless in self-defence. Most, if not all, injuries/deaths were inflicted by men.
I got a new boyfriend who was single but he was a drug addict (I did not know that at the time).
One night when he was passed out drunk or drugged, not sure, his best friend came to my bedroom and raped me. There was no help for me. Now this really reiterated to me the fact that men are pigs.
This is when I made the decision to move to the UK and start a new life away from all the memories of all those bad things that happened to me and all the bad choices that I had made.
One thing I promised myself was that no man would ever enter my life, ever again.
I have kept most, if not all, of this so close to my heart as some sort of protection or something, that my attitude and beliefs about men have become very comfortable and easy.
But now it’s time for me to train myself to love men in a Godly way and to break down all those walls I’ve build up throughout my life.
I would also like to take this opportunity to say sorry to all the men that I have hurt in my plight to get some payback.
I know it is going to be the hardest thing in my life to do, but God is with me and I know that He will carry me through all the hard times ahead.
God has shown me that I need to ask forgiveness and forgive for a long time now. I have forgiven my father and asked forgiveness from God and my husband, but I have still held all those comfortable feelings of hatred toward men.
I no longer want to hold all this hurt and hatred.
I want to forget about it all.
I want to completely forgive.
I want to break down every last wall that I have built up.
This may seem shocking to some of you, but I do feel that when I was in that line up in front this morning in church that God was saying to me to put it in writing and get it out there.
Lay it down before Me and your fellow brothers in Christ and you will see what I will do to help you.
This has not been easy for me at all to lay myself bare and vulnerable before you all, but as an act of faith and obedience I am doing it.
IT IS FINISHED!
Lorraine Annette Sweeting (Wishart)
09-01-12